I am happy to report that so far this pregnancy has been filled with joy and delight. All the doctors visits have been good and normal, with no bad news to report. I am feeling some sweet, sporadic kicks and bumps inside my belly, which causes my excitement to increase exponentially. Signs of life! Precious, sweet, new life.
The love I have for Payton and Eli is at an all time high. That might be a weird thing to say, but each night as I tuck them into bed I look at Marshall and smile...I don't think I could love them anymore than I do now. They delight my soul to the very core, and take my heart with them everywhere they go. They are getting so big! Payton is now taller than I am and Eli looks like a giant lying in his bed each night, long arms and legs often hanging over the sides. Then I think about the new life growing inside me, and how my heart swells with love for this child even now. With every sweet bump or kick I feel, I think to myself-I cannot wait to meet this precious life. God is so good to give us another child.
As my belly is growing and more people recognize that I am pregnant, I am beginning to get the question - Do you know what you are having? With much anticipation, in just a few days, we will have our 19 week ultrasound that will hopefully answer the question...the gender of this new life. Of course when I tell people that we don't know yet, they then ask, well what do you feel like it is? What does your gut say? Frankly...I have no idea! But as the date grows closer to actually find out, I am getting more and more anxious and ready to know. That has been the focus for me the past few weeks. The wonder and excitement of what gender we will add to the family. Payton is voting for a girl, and, of course, Eli is voting for a boy! Me? I am voting for health! A good, healthy baby!
Last night as I was in bed thinking about our upcoming ultrasound, Satan attacked boldly and whispered lies of fear and doubt into my head. For, not only is this ultrasound the one that tells the gender, but it is also the big heart ultrasound with the perinatalogists, that will hopefully tell us the heart looks healthy and wonderful. This is a big day for us as a family, as they look closely at this baby's heart and how it functions. I have had divine peace so far this pregnancy, but in one quick moment Satan took that away.
Like a loud voice in my ear, I suddenly was told that Thursday would be the day we would finally find out what is wrong with this baby. My joy was quickly stolen and complete fear gripped my body. Doubt rushed in like a mighty tidal wave. The great deceiver had spoken to me. For a few moments I lay there, unable to move, wondering if something really was wrong with this sweet child. Then I had to step back and realize whose voice it was - Satan's. I prayed for a while, and worked through the fear, listening to the Father instead of the enemy, but I would be lying if I said that the fear and doubt is completely gone from my thoughts. My inner peace is not what is was, and now I am even more anxious for the appointment to get here. How quickly my focus was changed. I am doing my best to trust God every moment. Whatever the outcome of the ultrasound is, He already knows and is in control. This baby is His anyways, not mine, I am just blessed to be called mother while the child is here on this earth. Please pray for us this Thursday, as we get to see this sweet life on the ultrasound, listen to the beat of it's heart, and find out how things look.
