A Simple Question

Everyday people ask each other questions. How are you today? Can I help you? Where is the restroom? Do you have an appointment? Are you hungry? etc. And there is one question that I really struggle with when people ask me.

 It is a common question, often asked by a stranger, or someone who does not know me very well. And I often ask it of other people without much thought.

This particular question is asked easily, as if the response should be quick to think of and absolute. But for me, the answer is not that easy.  In fact, it is confusing and a bit painful.

Curious to know the question...well here is goes...

How many kids do you have?

Easy right, most of you have probably already answered it for yourself in your head. But for our family, it is not quite so absolute.

Which leads me to another question. What is the definition of have?

Have: to be in possession of

So how many children do I have?   I guess the answer would be 2. I am currently in possession of 2 children. But does that truly answer the question for our family? Does that answer accurately portray what our family is about to the person asking? I would say no, not at all. In fact, the answer 2 is missing a very huge part of who we are as a family.

The fact is that Marshall and I have 3 children.  Two are here on earth with us now, and one has gone before us and is waiting for us in heaven.  But his memory, and his love...it is still with us.  And it will be with us until we join him in heaven one day.  He is still my child.  He always will be my child.  So how many children do I have...I would have to say the best and most accurate answer would be 3.  At least in my heart, I have 3 children.

Now you are probably wondering...so why is the question so hard?   You just reasoned out the answer, why would you not just say 3? 

Well, because the truth is, even though they asked, people don't really want to hear about my deceased child.  They might try to act like they want to, and they might try to act like they care, but the stranger that has asked the question in the first place usually doesn't really get it.  Whether they want to or not.  Whether they think they do or not.  They tell me how sorry they are, but I don't want their pity.  I really just want my son back.

Occasionally you might get a more favorable response.  A truly caring person that seems to somehow understand  how a loss like this truly affects a family.  But most people just give a generic response to something they really can't even begin to comprehend.

Or, the ultimate slap in the face is when the person asking you the question doesn't even flinch or act like you said anything.  They just keep right on talking.  They are the people who think that something like the death of a child would never happen to them, so they don't relate to you at all when you mention it.  They don't put themselves there even for a second, to try and understand some of your pain. 

Anyways, back to the original question...How many children do I have?  What do I normally say?  To be honest, it goes back and forth.  Sometimes I say 3, but most of the time I say 2.  And then afterwards I feel guilty.  As if I have forgotten Odell, or left him out of our family.  More recently I have been saying 3.  All the time, no matter what.  If for no other reason than to keep Odell's memory around.  Not in my mind, but in everyone else's.  Because he is just as much a part of our family now as he was when we held him in our arms.